This Journey I’m on…..

I wish I could describe this journey I’m on. I’ve found some ways that come close.

When someone needs glasses, they notice that things don’t look as crisp as they used to be, or how other people describe them. That person will express that their eyesight is not what it should be and get a prescription set of glasses. Often, overtime, this person will need to take several trips back to the eye doctor to get a different prescription because it has gotten worse. No one argues the actions that person has taken, yet no one can actually see through their eyes. Not one person on earth can say, “Okay, give me your eyeballs.. WOAH you really can’t see.” or “meh, you’re losing  your vision but its still okay.” Nope. We all believe that person and allow them to go to the doctor several times until the doctor and patient agree on the right treatment.

Bipolar disorder is so incredibly similar. I, and some other BPs I have talked to, cannot see correctly. Things seem jumbled, awful, and ugly some days. Other days, they look way better than they should. And sometimes, both views are happening at the same time. But when a BP goes to a doctor and wants to start trying different treatments, I have found it is a lot harder to get support than a person who needs eye treatment.

Bipolar.. what does it feel like? Not being able to “see” correctly, yes. It also can feel like there is someone pulling on certain parts of my brain as if they were trying to stay on a mechanical bull. It feels like this person is struggling to stay on and accidentally stepped on a crucial part of the brain and now it won’t light up, or function, anymore. But when they did that, they also pulled on a different part which is now lighting up way too much.

Are you confused yet? Me too.

It’s not easy. No mental illness is easy, just like it is not fun to watch a love one have cancer, diabetes, anything that is hurting them. All of these life-threatening illnesses are not something to take lightly, and one not less than another just because it cannot be as easily seen. A lot of people with mental illness are labeled as “downers”, “moody”, “lazy”, etc. But if you could feel what our brains are doing to us, you would (hopefully) go easier. Sometimes being awake is enough of a challenge.

Where am I on this journey? Acceptance, but questioning. I ask God “why now, why me?” far too often. I just have to wonder; at age 19 this all started happening, and I was diagnosed at age 20. Why now? I was in the middle of discovering what I want to do with my life and now, some days I can barely think past my bed. While other days, I can do anything and everything. And every night I say goodbye to today and hope tomorrow is tolerable. I don’t know if I will wake up in a high or low. I just hope I am able to handle whatever extreme it is. Why me? This is a selfish thought that I am embarrassed to admit. But I have it. I don’t feel like I did anything to deserve this.

That’s when I have to remember who my God is. I have to remember that thought is from Satan. That thought is Satan telling me that BP is put on me directly by Christ as punishment from something I have done wrong. I have found multiple verses that prove that Satan is a horrible liar.

The Lord will fight for you. Just stay calm. -Exodus 14:14

This verse is direct from Moses’s mouth when the ex-Egyptian slaves are cursing Moses for guiding to the dessert to be killed. Pharaoh and his army of 600 came closer and the slaves continued to question Moses. Moses told the people to stay calm. The Lord is faithful and He will step in to protect them. God didn’t rescue them from slavery to let them be killed. Then Moses  parts the sea through his faith in God and all the people live on as the army is stuck in the sea’s roaring waves.

If Moses can have such faith, why can’t I? He fought for Moses and his people. All Moses had to do was listen and be obedient. I can do that, right? He is willing to take on my biggest battle, I am more than thankful to not have to handle his dirty, ugly beast without my Lord’s helping hand. I hope people can one day say, “The Lord is fighting her battle”. That will be my triumph.

For that is what God looks like, He is our God forever and ever, and He will guide us until we die. – Psalm 48:14

This is a promise. Jesus died and rose from the grave to make this promise(along with others) known and validated. He is MY God forever and ever. He will guide ME until I die. (Sidenote: I’ve learned that when in low points it is easier for me to put ‘me’ or ‘i’ in the sentence.) With this promise being proven, it is clear here that I will never be left for the wolves. I will never be tossed in the air as if I am not worth the fight. I am worth it, and Jesus is fighting for me. He is guiding me through the darkness and pushing it back. BONUS: He will NEVER stop. Never stop loving. Never stop guiding. Never stop anything.

So by these two verses, Satan is a liar and Christ is my victory.

My. Victory.

Keep going, kid. You got today.

Oh, my soul

You are not alone

There’s a place where fear has to face the God you know

One more day, He will make a way

Let Him show you how, you can lay this down

’cause you’re not alone





— L O V E —

It was the day before my 20th birthday; I was sitting in my New Testament Survey course. My professor spent the whole 50 minutes of class praying over his 200+ students, with discernment and wisdom. Asking the Lord to show us what is stopping us from having a relationship with Him, I began to see what was stopping me. That particular day, the professor was praying the Fruits of the Spirits over us. That is what was stopping me from having a completely embracing, all pursuing relationship with my Creator. 

Imagine yourself standing before the Lord while He lists off the Fruits of the Spirit, and you realize you have been exhibiting none of them. Scary, right? No. Not at all. While I learned that I had no fruits to give anymore, I was a branch fallen from the tree of life, I was comforted by the Savior of the World. There is no where else I would want this encounter to occur.

Although, as I stood there, God knew there was hesitancy inside me to trust Him, so he took my hands and reminded me of the beauty I have within Him. I saw the Lord invite me into His house, to sit with Him. As He reached out His hand for mine, I reached for His. But as if I was shocked by electricity in the close proximity of our hands, I was overcome with fear and anxiety. I push this off to be my anxiety over the unknown and of change. God grabbed my hand, reminded me that I had nothing to fear, and guided me into His house to sit with Him.

As we sat there, He began teaching me the Fruits of the Spirit, or maybe more so telling me that I needed to receive them with an open heart; either way, I have embarked on a wonderful journey to regain what I once had- The Fruits of the Spirit.

Going in order, I found it only fitting that I start with Love. I honestly just picked this to start with because it was the first one in the lists of fruits, and that required less thinking on my part(LOL go college!). But the more this new adventure found its home in my mind, I couldn’t help but think, there is a reason for that being the first fruit out of all of them.

Then it hit me. (like a ton of bricks… DUN DUN DUN)

Love is the first fruit because it is the rest of the fruits in one word. If you cannot be love and you cannot show love, there is no way you can be any of the other fruits. Don’t believe me? Let’s look…

“Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.” -1 Corinthians 13:4-7-NLT

J O Y – “rejoices whenever the truth wins out” “always hopeful”

P E A C E – “it is not irritable”

P A T I E N C E – “love is patient…” “it does not demand its own way”

K I N D N E S S – “and kind.” “love is not…rude”

G O O D N E S S – “it keeps no record of being wronged”

F A I T H F U L N E S S – “Love never gives up, never loses faith…”

G E N T L E N E S S – “love is not jealous or boastful”

S E L F – C O N T R O L – “does not demand its own way”

Let’s look at another version, too.

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” -1 Corinthians 13:4-7-NIV

Is it not amazing that Paul allowed Jesus to speak such wisdom through him that we might have a clear picture of what love truly is?!?! Wow!! In today’s lingo, I’m shook.

Does this make my journey in learning how to accept and inhabit the Fruits of the Spirit any easier? A little. But it is mostly an encouragement that this all comes back to love, which is what our God is– pure love.

I tell you all of this in hopes to encourage you to take some time aside to look into your soul, and truly ask the Lord to show you what you need to grow closer to Him, or maybe what you need to get rid of. I mean face to the Heavens, palms up, full vulnerability before your God.

I kinda am also writing this out so that I have a journey to look back on. 🙂 It’s fun when you walk hand-in-hand with God.

I am still accepting words and scripture from anyone who wants to give it to me for the word “Love”. Just comment on this blog, message me, or text me.

Until next post, Look Up and Keep Going.




Casting fear and anxiety unto the Lord is much easier said than done. In anyone’s christian walk, it is so important to cast ALL our fears to Jesus. A revolutionary turning point for me recently was when I learned what it feels like to actually release it all over to Him.

One fear I have is flying on airplanes. My junior year of high school, I was a part of the marching band. When we took our trip, as a band, to Disney World, we flew from Maryland to Florida. I had expressed to my friends that I do not do so well on airplanes so they were prepared to an extent, but I’m not sure anyone could have predicted the anxiety overload that was coming.

As we sat on the plane getting ready to take off, I was fine – alittle shakey, but I was okay. Then we started to take off and my fear took over. I was pressed as close to my seat as I could possibly get, gripping the arm rests as much as I could, and not breathing. In my fear, I convinced myself, regardless of the people walking, talking and laughing, that if I took a single breath I would tip the plane sending us crashing to the ground. Eventually as we settled into the flight I realized that was silly, and even more when I was back on the ground and my fear was totally gone.

Another fear I have is not being in control of my future. I thought I had my future set in stone about three times now. And all three times, my plans had been crushed, demolished, obliterated, however you would like it put, those plans were ruined. Every time I thought I had control again I had a sense things were crumbling; I knew I was in unhealthy situations all three times, but since I had control, I would have preferred to keep moving than let my future go. God had other plans.

Once plans changed and I no longer felt I was in the driver’s seat, I was constantly on edge and not living life to the fullest. I became depressed and walked through life with a monstrosity of anxiety driving my every thought and my every move. Hating what I was feeling, I tried to get rid of it several different ways. I tried sleeping any chance I could; I tried working out for way longer than I should have; I tried eating too much; I tried eating too little; I tried so many different strategies that seemed promising at the beginning but never resulted in a good feeling for long. Only temporary bliss.

The only thing that has gotten rid of my overwhelming anxiety is reminding myself of the Lord and His promises.

“Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that He may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.” 1 Peter 5:6-7

Sweet child of God, the Creator of the universe cares for you. Oh, I hope you believe that. Once you believe that with ALL your heart, giving him every fear you choose to let run your life will be easy.

Accepting His care took me getting on my knees, putting myself down, and surrendering everything I have to God. Every day I have to ask God to imprison my fear and to take it far, far away from me. Upon my releasing, He gladly does.

But, I have asked Him to take my fear of the future before while I held onto it as if it was the very breath inside my lungs. I held onto my it due the fear of what life would like without that fear! That seems ridiculous, but, brothers and sisters, it is so common for us to cling to the evils in our lives because we do not know what it will feel like on the other side, once we let go.

I’m telling you now, LET GO.

On the other side of releasing your fears to God is overwhelming peace. The joy of the Lord waits for you, and His divine plan will unfold before your eyes if you would just release what is holding you back from Him.

“So be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid and do not panic before them. For the Lord your God will personally go ahead of you. He will never fail you nor abandon you.” Deuteronomy 31:6

There it is. There is His faithful promise. Give it to Him and He will not disappoint you. Remember whose you are, for who you belong to is who will guide you through life.

From the fear of flying on airplanes, to the crippling fear of the future, giving it to Jesus has made my life so much brighter. No matter what your fear is, I pray you are able to finally really let go of it. God cares for you and desires us to give Him our fears.

Until next post, Look Up and Keep Going!




It is a common saying that, as Christians, we are the hands and feet of Christ. We are His outlet to the world; His way of reaching unbelievers is through believers. Being part of the body of Christ as 1 Corinthians 12 discusses, we are called to be active and firm in our beliefs. I want to focus on the hand in this post.

Look at your hands for a second. What do you think of? Physically, what are your hands to you? They are strong, useful, reliable, and beautiful. They claim ownership over what is yours. When you hold something in your hand, it is a signal to others that what you are holding is yours.

When we look at scripture there is an abundance of scriptures that talk about hands in relation to our Father and His love for us. We are also called His hands.

Let’s go back to the basics of the physical hand. It is set apart. Genesis 2 explains the complexity of humans along with the intimacy God brought us into the world with. Surprise, we were created from His own hand. He took the time to craft us in the image of himself, yet have the individuality we all possess. The creation of humans is covered in loving details including the detail of hands.

Brought into this world by the hand of the Creator of the Universe, we are made to be His hands to the lost world. That’s an honor, y’all.

Throwback to the statement that our hands show ownership. When we are believers that are firm in Christ, we are held in His hand therefore we are His. Recognizing that we are hands of our Savior is to reach people not for ourselves, but for Him; to allow Christ to hold them, not out of any selfish desires.

A hand can be harsh or it can be loving. It can be used as a weapon or a sign of affection, and both have impact on a person.

“Violent people mislead their companions, leading them down a harmful path.” Proverbs 16:29

 When we are the hand of Christ, we have to remember to be gentle in our ways to not squeeze to tight to someone that may or may not want to even be touched. Above all we have to remember this:

“Just as our bodies have many parts and each part a special function, so it is with Christ’s body. We are many parts of one body, and we all belong to each other.” Romans 12:4-5

Our main goal as members of Christ’s body to reach the main goal of loving and reaching the world. Though we may not all acting as hands, we work together with other brothers and sisters in Christ for Christ.

With that I leave you with the prayer that however you are called to work in the Kingdom of God, you are able to keep moving. Operating in the body of Christ is a blessing and honor.

If you are acting as a hand, my prayer for you is that you remember your impact on others and never stop reaching those around you!

Until next post, Look Up and Keep Going!



There’s a Famine Coming

Hello, old friend. Oh what a crazy time it has been since I have last written. There’s been many highs and many many lows, and I am in awe of how my Father is using them to equally work to give Him glory and show me love.

About a month and a half ago, I was sitting in Old Testament Survey when my professor spoke the words, “There’s a famine coming, so get ready.” We were talking about an actual famine when God told His people to prepare for the lack of food, but those words resonated with me. I couldn’t shake the accuracy and conviction of that simple phrase. Right then and there, I wrote them in the margin of my notebook followed by BLOG POST. And at the end of class, I closed my notebook and didn’t think twice about it.

Every once in awhile, I’d be flipping through my notebook, or studying for a test, and see those words and remember that I intended to write about them. I never sat down to actually write anything though while I used the excuse, “I’m not feeling convicted enough to write” quite often.

The Lord is definitely convicting me now. His timing never fails. (I almost have to laugh at myself for ever questioning His timing and His promises. No… I do laugh at myself)

I am here to warn you, there is a famine coming. There is no doubt in my mind that sometime in the future you will go through a hard time where you feel like you have nothing. I don’t know to what extent the famine will effect you or exactly what it will look like, but I know it’s in the road up ahead.


Fill yourself with the Word of God and know that God is never going to let you down. Surround yourself with Christ-followers who recognize that they have a famine coming soon too, but are devoted to loving how Christ loves. Set up accountability even when you feel like you don’t need it. Spend quality time with your Creator.

What I’m trying to stress is that when times are good, we need to be diving into our faith just as much as the hard times. If we do this, we will have the resources to get up before we reach rock bottom. We will have the ability to recognize we are going through a trial and hold tight to God no matter what happens.

I am coming from the point of a child of God struggling with (and defeating!!!!!) major depression. If it weren’t for the foundation laid throughout my childhood, my first semester at Liberty, and the relationships God blessed me with in this season, the end of my story would have been different. Although it was nearly impossible to believe there was light at the end of the tunnel most days this past month, there’s always been a bright light there standing with His arms wide open.

I cannot brag on the way I treated God and His promises in this season of my life but I can brag on how He worked in it. My God is walking me through this trial using the support systems I had built up prior to the famine, using the resources around me, and reminding me, Himself, of His overall goodness.

A famine can come in the loss of a loved one, a job change, a mental illness, a move to somewhere new; it can be anything that leaves you feeling like you have nothing to keep going on. Since we don’t know what our next famine is going to come looking like, we have to get ready for it all by trusting FULLY on God now.

My prayer for you is that you go get ready, and when your famine comes, you keep your eyes locked on your Creator. If you are currently in a famine, there is hope and His name is Jesus Christ and He will get you through this. Trust Him.

There’s a famine coming, so get ready.

Until next post, Look Up and Keep Going!



Keep Enduring

Do you ever get to a point in your walk with Christ when you are staring at what seems like the end? Have you ever felt yourself struggling so hard to not drop lower but it’s tiring trying to get back on the right path? I definitely have. Naturally, in all our human sinfulness, we will stray from God’s side, choosing our own paths. I wish it did not have to happen this way, but faith is a continuous cycle with highs and lows.

All throughout high school I was in marching band. My last two years I held a leadership position within the band and would often help lead the physical training time before evening practices. This 20 minutes or so would include stretching, a few strengthening exercises, and a run.

During my junior year of high school, the drum major frequently asked me to lead the run with her. Both of us would have the rest of the band behind us in two single file lines meaning if someone were to miss a step or trip, the rest of the line would be effected. About 1 minute into the run, I tripped, but it was not a normal trip. I didn’t immediately bounce back, but I didn’t hit the ground either. I ran for about five steps toppled over in a 90 degree angle with my arms straight behind me staring at the ground.

I knew that if I stopped moving, I would hit the ground and it would cause me, and the ones behind me, a lot of pain. It was only a matter of a few seconds that I had a choice to stop running and hit the low point taking the pain and having to recover OR keep pushing as hard as I could reaching behind me to get back running.

Often this is how our faith tends to go. We stare the devil in the face and he stares back; he isn’t afraid to tempt and continue tempting. But it is in that moment we have a choice. We can fall into Satan’s temptation fully knowing that pain and sadness will follow OR we can push on to the LORD staring the devil in the face telling him, “You will not win this heart. I belong to Jesus.”

A misconception about this situation is that once we remind Satan he is defeated it gets easy. That is second one of the three you will be trying your best to get back up. While I ran staring at the ground, arms behind me, everything hurt. But I kept trusting that my strength and balance would get me back up, which worked in the certain situation. We cannot trust our own strength and balance to get back to Christ, but we can trust in the Son of God to guide us.

Throw your arms behind you in trials and tribulations for the Lord your God tells us He will always protect us. Keep running full speed when you may feel hopeless about your circumstances. Even when you feel like whatever you are looking at is the end, it is not; Jesus is not finished with you!

A side-note and helpful reminder: Satan has been defeated ever since Jesus died on the cross. He cannot win anymore, so do not let him convince you otherwise. Trust in the Lord your God.

I pray even in trials, we can all keep pushing through knowing the promise of our Father. Keep running, keep pushing. And of course, until next post

Look Up and Keep Going!



Modesty. The Hot Topic. 

This may be on of my most controversial blog posts that I ever write, but it’s been on my mind a lot.

I go to a conservative, Jesus-freak, proud-of-our-Redeemer, fun-loving, adventure-promoting university. I would never go anywhere else. It’s refreshing every morning as I walk to class to see the faces of hundreds that are just as happy to live in such a place.

In high school, I would walk through the halls and see a new face everyday, or at least not know the names of most of the students I passed. As much as I loved going somewhere opportunities seemed boundless, something  always seemed off and down about the faces passing by.

Not at Liberty. There are thousands more faces that I don’t know the story behind, yet they are family. I don’t know the names of the people I pass daily, but I feel welcomed by it.

Now don’t get me wrong, we aren’t all holding hands around a campfire. There’s struggle here; there’s hurt here; and there’s a lot of worldly values here. This generation I claim was raised by the world, so nothing less than worldly values should be expected.

The world tells us that a girl’s clothing has absolutely no effect on men, or at least that it shouldn’t. So being raised by the world, my generation believes that. We believe that we are us; no one else can tell us who to be, how to act, and certainly not how to dress. The world raised us to stress our outward appearance.

If something or someone doesn’t catch our eye in the first ten seconds we are looking at it, the chances of us diving deeper into that person or thing are slim to none. And us girls do not want to let our little girl dreams of having a beautiful, full, loving family down. So we want to be invested in. Following what the world taught us, we will make our outward appearance seem desirable.

The guys of our generation stress the physical structure of a girl. A common question between guys  is, “which do you prefer, boobs or butt?” That is then where a girl finds her value. She will only be loved if she shows off her physical structure to fit what the guys like.

Leggings without her bottom being covered. Shirts that droop way too low. Clothing that is way too tight. Just to get a guys attention.

The Lord created you for more than your body. 

When God made each of us, he programmed a certain personality into our souls. He built us a personal and certain way to fit his design and to give Him glory. I do agree that there are ways to use your body to bring Christ to the world, however to get the attention of the opposite sex is not what God intended.

I suppose there are times that a girl gets dressed without thinking, “will this get that guys attention?” I understand that. But if you turn around and check out your own booty, you know someone else is.

As Christian girls, we are called to be different. We don’t fit the world’s “do what you want and blame the guy.” We are called to think before we do, be cautious of how we are affecting our brothers in Christ. I wish our brothers wouldn’t check girls out and I wish that they wouldn’t act foolishly just because they see something they like. Not all do.

In the weaker brother, stronger brother context, a girl showing off her body is allowing her brother to fall. As Christian girls, we are called to be different.

1 Timothy 2:9-10 proclaims that women should dress modestly and be attractive through their good deeds. I know personally, that a guy falling for what I do over what I look like would make me feel ten times better.

Men are called to love women as Jesus loved the church. Did Jesus love the church for what it looked like or for what it stood for and what it did? Definitely the latter.

We all are fallen, since the beginning of our ability to choose right from wrong we’ve been sinners. We aren’t going to be perfect, men and women alike. But I encourage with all my heart that women look cute everyday, spend time making yourself feel good, but with modesty. The Lord loves you for you, and in the end that is what matters the most. NO. All the time, the morning, the afternoon, while dancing in your room, while stressing about a test, while laying your head down at night, what matters most is that Jesus loves you for you. You do not have to impress Him.

So my sisters in Christ, I urge you. Do not let our brothers fall. On top of that, glorify the Lord by dressing modestly and doing great works for His Kingdom. You are invested in by the King of Kings. You are beautiful. You are loved. You are fearfully and wonderfully made.

Until next post, Look Up and Keep Going.